first_in_time | Zagreus Sits Inside Your Head (for Splendid

Barbara looked out at the view as Ian put the last of their things in the car. From the front door of the little Bed and Breakfast, she could see beautiful rolling hills for miles. The last of the morning was being chased away as the sun rose higher in the sky, thawing everything out. Even the cows seemed more active on one particular hill.

"I wish we could stay for a little longer," she sighed to Ian, turning her back on it all so that it might be easier to leave. Her arms folded, one hand still held on to the key they were yet to return. "I don't suppose your car has a secret time traveling device so we can spend an extra few weeks here?"

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From:

first_in_time

"Back into the darkness?" Barbara glanced over she shoulder but all she could see was Ian. She supposed that was a comforting thought at least.

"Alright," she replied and carefully turned around. One hand grabbed hold of Ian's cardigan, the other rested gently on his shoulder. "Lead on."

From:

splendid_roman

They hadn't gone very far down the passage, but it seemed like they could walk further than that back the way they'd come. Perhaps the bookcase was an entrance to the middle of it.

But then they came, almost suddenly to the end of it and found themselves at the end of someone's very large back garden. The big house was in the distance and between Ian and Barbara and the house was what looked like a tea party.

Ian glanced back at Barbara. "I suppose we could see if these people know anything." Given the cat and the caterpillar, he suspected not. But the passage seemed to have vanished behind them, so they had no choice but to go on in any case.

From:

first_in_time

The garden and house were beautiful, but if they were going to be following the story of Alice, she doubted that much else would be as pleasant.

As they approached the gate, there was an awf roar of frustration and the smashing of crockery. Barbara jumped and clutched Ian's arm. The look in her eyes told Ian to be careful.

"Ship! This is intolerable! We are meant to be -- where are we meant to be? I don't even know but it isn't here!"

From:

splendid_roman

Ian put a hand over Barbara's on his arm. He would be careful, but this man was talking about a ship - perhaps he meant the TARDIS.

As they slowly walked closer Ian could see that this was the Mad Hatter's tea party. The man who'd spoken was the Mad Hatter, judging by the pile of hats on his head. Also at the table was a hare - presumably the March Hare. It had a feminine voice as it said, "We are where we are."

Ian was wondering if the Dormouse was in the teapot as the Hatter looked up and saw them.

"You! What are you two doing here again?"

From:

first_in_time

Again? Barbara had no memory of the pretty garden and it's pretty house with the mad hatter. And there was no way it could be recalling the times she'd read the books (for it was so very long ago that even she was struggling).

"What do you mean 'again'?" she asked, peeking around Ian. "We haven't been here before."

"...you haven't?" the Hatter asked and turned toward the hare who sat scarily still.

"Barbara Wright and Ian Chesterton," it said coolly, "first humans to board the TARDIS."

"You have! Why do you lie? I hate liars, you know. You never can trust what they're saying and now I know, I know that I can't trust you. Go away. I only want to be around people I can trust."

The Hatter ran the flat of his hands against the jolly table cloth, smoothing out the bright pattern gently. It was rather the antithesis of his tone of voice.

From:

splendid_roman

"We're not lying," Ian said, ignoring the Hatter's tone. "We've never seen this house, this garden or this tea party before."

He wondered how the hare knew who they were, but presumably it was the same way the cat knew he'd read Alice in Wonderland.

"But we'll go if you want us to," he continued. "If you can just tell us the way out of here."

"There is no way out," the hare said, while the Hatter glared at them.

"Is there any tea?" a voice said from the teapot. Presumably it was the Dormouse, but it sounded like Susan and Ian looked over at Barbara, wondering if she'd heard it too, or if he was imagining things. The Hatter and the hare hadn't reacted to it.

From:

first_in_time

Barbara could feel Ian's eyes on her, and she tore her eyes away from the scene to look up at him.

"Did that sound like Susan?" she asked him quietly, wondering just where she'd be, given that she certainly wasn't seated at the table and Barbara couldn't see her under it, either. Nor was she in the house because the voice sounded far too close for that.

"No, there's no tea," the Mad Hatter replied (for Barbara had decided that he was indeed mad), and turned a teapot upside down. Scolding hot tea washed over part of the table, giving a section of the bright table cloth a brown tinge. "And stop ruining the table cloth!"

"It wouldn't be ruined if you stopped pouring tea on it," the Hare said, slowly turning to face Hatter.

"Tea?" asked the voice of Susan.

As the Mad Hatter lept up on the table to start looking into each of the cups, the Hare asked: "will you join us for tea?"

"No, they're liars, they're not allowed," Hatter cut-in, pausing momentarily in his search for the source of the voice.

From:

splendid_roman

"It did," Ian replied to Barbara, just as quietly.

He looked back at the table when the Hatter spoke again and spilled the tea.

"No, thank you," he said to the Hare's offer. Given what the last thing Barbara had eaten and drunk had done to her, he wasn't going to risk eating or drinking anything else here. Wherever here was. "Can you tell us the way out?"

"No," the Hare replied calmly. "Hatter, you're upsetting the tea things."

"Of course I am." He upset them even more by grabbing the tablecloth, so everything fell over, quite a few of the cups breaking and some falling on the ground.

The Hare sighed. "I hadn't finished my tea."

"No tea?" Susan's voice asked.

From:

first_in_time

"No. Tea!" the Mad Hatter screamed. Barbara flinched and held Ian's arm a little tighter. There was a distortion to his voice, like a radio not quite tuned properly. "There's no tea -- no time! Can't you see that? Can't you --? Ship! Ship, you have to hear me, where are we and why aren't we where I need to be?"

The Mad Hatter knelt on the table, his face an inch from the Hare's who sat as still as a statue. Then blinked once. The Hatter roared and turned on the honeymooners.

"Why are you here and what business do you have?"

Barbara hid behind Ian a little and the Hatter followed her until they were almost playing chasings around Ian.

"We were holidaying!" she told him quickly in a panicked tone and ran for the other side of the table.

From:

splendid_roman

"We were in a forest," Ian explained. He tried to go towards Barbara but the Hatter stood in his way after he'd taken a step. He stayed where he was and smiled at the Hatter, hoping he'd let them go. "Then we found ourselves in a library and now here. We just want to get back to where he came from"

"Liar," the Hatter said again. He didn't seem to believe anything they said.

"The forest is that way." The Hare pointed back the way they'd come.

When Ian turned to look he saw there was a forest there now. But when he turned back to Barbara he found the Hatter had got even closer and his face was only an inch from Ian's.

"That's really disconcerting," Ian said, taking a step back, but the Hatter followed.

From:

first_in_time

"Is it?" The Hatter asked and followed, keeping close to Ian, "because I'm not really that sure."

"Are you sure there's no tea?" asked Susan's voice again from just where Barbara was. She looked down at the mess of tea cups and pots, and saw a small, brown mouse sitting in an empty teapot. Barbara assumed that it was the Dormouse form the old tale, but it didn't look a thing like Susan. She couldn't help but feel a little disappointed at that fact.

"We'd best be going," Barbara told the Hare, the Dormous and the Hatter as politely and apologetically as she could whilst keeping a safe distance. "We have some appointments to keep. Will you please excuse us?"

"No." The Hatter folded his arms. "Why should I excuse you? I, Zagreus! I who sees you in your bed and eats you while you're reading. Or...no. No, that isn't right..."

From:

splendid_roman

"I've never heard of Zagreus." His memories of Alice in Wonderland were a little hazy, but he'd have remembered that name, he was sure. And the rhyme was worthy of the book, if not quite the sort of subject he'd expect. He tried to edge round the Hatter, who turned in a circle, but didn't come any closer for the moment.

"You've never heard of Zagreus?" The Hatter sounded stunned at the idea. "Everyone's heard of Zagreus. I see you in your bed and... and..." He made a frustrated noise and turned to look at the Hare. "What do I do?"

Ian took the opportunity to run over to Barbara and grab her hand to pull her towards the house. They were going the wrong way to get back to the forest, if the Hare was right, but at least they were getting away from the Hatter.

As they went he heard the Hare tell the Hatter, "Eats you while you're sleeping."

From:

first_in_time

Barbara was of no mind to protest being hauled away. She didn't want to be in the company of a man who talked about eating people, whether they were reading or sleeping or whatever else.

Together they ran for the house but like so many other things they'd encountered since leaving the car, they did not end up where they'd expected to. Instead they tumbled onto a cobbled road from a foot in the air. Barbara hadn't expected such a drop and stumbled down onto her side where she lay for a moment.

"I should never have left the car," she told Ian and put a hand to her forehead, "I'm so sorry."

From:

splendid_roman

Ian wasn't expecting the drop either and he landed on his front, putting his hands out to break his fall and wincing as he scraped the skin on his palms on the cobbles. The knees of his trousers hadn't fared much better.

He turned round to look at Barbara, happy to stay sitting for a bit not touching anything. He shook his head. "It's not your fault. Forests don't usually lead to all this."

They couldn't stay here, he realised. There were troops coming down the road and when he looked round he saw two rows of playing cards coming towards them. They were the same playing cards as in the book, although he didn't remember them having such big collars.

From:

first_in_time

Barbara groaned as she got up. "Let's make ourselves scarce. I don't much feel like talking to anyone else in this mad house just yet."

She pulled Ian behind a bush by the side of the road and sat as she listened to the procession of soldiers approach. She huddled into Ian's side, spying the state of his trousers. Thankfully there were more pressing matters for the moment.

From:

splendid_roman

The soldiers didn't appear to see them, as they were preoccupied with marching. They soon discovered why, when behind them, in a carriage was a man in a red dress with hearts on it and a crown who was whipping the soldiers at the back and shouting "Off with their heads," if any of them slowed down too much.

"The Queen of Hearts is a man?" Ian whispered to Barbara.

"Who said that?" He obviously had the hearing of a bat too and Ian stayed quiet after that, hoping they'd just carry on by.

From:

first_in_time

Barbara glanced up at Ian, a panicked expression on her face. She stayed as still as she possibly could. The last thing they needed was to be picked up by a man in a dress who seemed so very fond of taking people's heads.

Footsteps drew closer to the bush they hid behind. Barbara closed her eyes, waiting for a blow to come that would knock her out or remove her head from its place. Her heart pounded loudly in her chest. Her hands began to shake. She was certain there'd be perspiration on her forehead...but nothing came. There was merely silence, save for the odd crunch of gravel as the soldiers shifted in line.

"Nothing here ma'am," the soldier at their bush called back.

"Are you telling me I'm hearing things?" the man in the dress cried.

"Uh, well, no...I-"

"OFF WITH HIS HEAD!"

A struggle broke out. Barbara listened as soldiers grunted and wrestled only a few feet away, but someone must have given in or been thwarted, for it ended moments later and the footsteps retreated. However, it wasn't until the procession had completely passed and turned the corner that Barbara breathed a sigh of relief and leaned forward to rest against Ian's chest. They were safe again for now.

From:

splendid_roman

Ian put an arm round her. "Perhaps we should try going the other way." He still whispered, in case the Queen of Hearts could still hear them. If the reverse logic around here still held sway going in the opposite direction might mean they'd end up wherever the soldiers were going. But following them didn't seem like a good idea either.

From:

first_in_time

"Good thinking," Barbara replied and started to untangle herself from Ian and stand from the ground, "how are your hands?"

From:

splendid_roman

"Could do with a wash, but I'll live." When he stood up he offered Barbara his arm, since his hands hurt too much to use them just yet.

As they walked along the road they didn't across any soldiers, which was a good sign. although there was a flash of white at the side of the road. "I just saw a rabbit!" Ian dragged Barbara over to look for it but it had vanished into a bush and perhaps underground and there was no sign of it now.

From:

first_in_time

"I suppose it was wearing a waist coat and spectacles, carrying a watch and complaining about the time?" Barbara asked as she was pulled along.

From:

splendid_roman

"I didn't see." He lingered there a little longer, looking around, in case the rabbit reappeared. "I'm not sure we want to follow it down a rabbit hole. That's what got Alice into Wonderland in the first place."

From:

first_in_time

"Who got where?" came a familiar voice from behind them, and Barbara turned to find a knight upon a white horse. "What's that got to do with a rabbit?"

Barbara gaped a little. It had been a while since she had seen a knight, and Ian's armour wasn't quite as shiny as that. She watched as the knight swung himself down from the horse and bowed to Ian, then took up Barbara's hand to kiss it.

"...Steven?" she asked, trying to get a look at the knight's face.

"Who?"

From:

splendid_roman

"You look like a friend of ours," Ian said. And he sounded like one too.

The knight swung open the face plate of his helmet, although he did it in so violent a fashion that it came away from the helmet complete. But now they could see that it really was Steven.

"Invention of mine." The knight didn't seem to care that he was being stared at, and he calmly picked up the piece off his helmet and turned back to them with a smile. "Means that you don't have the thing falling down just at the wrong moment."

He didn't sound like Steven, Ian decided. The voice was the same, but his manner of speech wasn't.

From:

first_in_time

"That sounds rather handy," Barbara replied as she spied the spikey guards on the horse's ankles. It pawed the Earth half-heartedly.

The man who wasn't Steven smiled and walked back to his horse, tripping along the way. "Say, are you lost or something like that? You'd best be careful around these parts. One of the other knights might have at you. Then what? You're hardly dressed for such an affair and you have no horses. It will make life more difficult for you."